Reality Check

It is what it is. We are who we are. We believe what we choose to believe. Period.

-- Laurie Mohlman

This has become my own personal mantra of sorts over the past 3-1/2 years of being a single mom with amazing kids.

For some crazy reason, it took me until I was nearly 43 years old to figure out that our personal power and ability to change the realities around us are limited to what we change within ourselves. That's it. That's all we've got.

I am completely powerless to change any situation beyond what I change in ME. If the situation changes based upon that, then I am a lucky woman indeed. I can change how I view the current challenge, my perception of what's going on behind the scenes, how things may turn out in the end, certainly. That I can do.

Tonight, I happen to be thinking of something very distressing in my personal life, but don't we all pretty much always have at least one distressing thing happening in our lives at any given time? I realize that as soon as the current stress passes, another one or two or twelve will step in to take its place...

Again, Reality Check. It's called LIFE. And IT IS WHAT IT IS.

I'm learning that I am powerless to change anyone else or what they believe about any given situation at any given time. WE ARE WHO WE ARE. WE BELIEVE WHAT WE CHOOSE TO BELIEVE.

For some reason, the more I tell myself this, the less stressful my life becomes. At least the anxiety that could easily make me insane trying to control the planet eases a great deal.

I never considered myself a "control freak" in the past. I have always viewed myself as a fairly mellow chick, rolling with the changes as they came. But, that was before many things in my life fell out of my control. Suddenly, I felt like my personal belief system and reality were going to pieces.

I tried to convince other people in my life to see things MY WAY. I tried to beg people to handle things the WAY I WOULD HANDLE THEM. I saw my well thought-out answers to complex problems as BRILLIANT, and the only way the entire sphere of my influence should approach them.

But, you know-- life doesn't work that way. People typically do not respond well to such arrogance. So, I went from believing that I was a mellow chick who was not trying to keep the planets aligned to being humbled to such an extent as realizing I'm not the smartest person in the universe and I control very little.

Just as I'm accepting that I AM WHO I AM, in the moving words of Popeye the Sailor, in all my glory and weakness, so are other people. WE ARE WHO WE ARE. No matter how much we try to encourage, teach, beg, plead, cry, manipulate, or love other people into who WE THINK THEY SHOULD BE, they simply won't. We change ourselves when we feel the need to make changes, or not at all.

I am recognizing my faulty thinking in so many areas as I walk this world as a single mom who's trying to do what I feel is the very best for my children. I am discovering that I am not able to properly love and care for them if I don't first properly love and care for myself. No one else is going to be here to love me and pick me up. It's up to me to find a way.

So, I have finally learned I need to eat more healthy (in fact, eat at all-- I have lost 60 lbs this year, and not in a healthy, workout type of manner), I need to find a way to rest my mind so I can sleep (I average about 4 hours a night, just from lying in bed worrying), I need to work hard to get bills paid, and I need God.

I am learning that to try and change other people is a huge waste of time and energy. To see them as they are, and accept them for their strengths and shortcomings, without expectation of "improvement" (in my own arrogant opinion) can only improve my view of humanity.

Finally, and this has been the hardest change in me by far, to accept that people BELIEVE WHAT THEY CHOOSE TO BELIEVE-- about me, about politics, about religion, about my mothering style, about the best way to heal the planet... Everyone comes from their own place of thinking, from their own experiences, and this creates their VIEW. It creates their own point of reference. Just as I have mine and you have yours.

I simply do not have the power to change what people choose to believe. They see things how they see them. All I can do is be loving, kind, accepting, and sometimes find a way to be extremely forceful and strong to defend myself and those who are close to me if I feel it necessary.

Now is one of those times.

I have discovered that my view of the world-- that people are basically good, that they mean well, is mostly true. I think most people we encounter are truly this way. But, there are others who are, well, let's just say, NOT SO MUCH. There are those who, from their perspective, are doing the right thing by trying to destroy the souls of other people.

My friends, that has been a great disappointment to me to discover. But, also an opportunity for me to develop and discover strength within myself I did not know I had. You know that story of the mother who could suddenly lift a car off her child who was pinned underneath it? I feel like I am becoming like her. For her, it was pure adrenalin and not thinking about the fact that there was no physical way she'd be able to lift that car. Her focus was purely on her trapped child and how she had to save that precious baby of hers, no matter what it took.

I feel like her now. And because I do, I am becoming a different, stronger woman.

My focus is on facing my own realities, allowing other people to be who they are and believe what they believe, but I will be damned if I let my children, or myself, get crushed in the process.

So tonight, once again, I am facing my own Demons. I am throwing open my closet door to expose the Monsters that lurk there. I'm pulling out the Boogy Man from under the bed. I'm greeting them, saying, "Hey, WELCOME TO MY WORLD. IT'S ON. LET'S DANCE." My gloves are off, and I'm ready to fight.

Through this process of finding my own strength, I am finding myself. I am discovering ME in an entirely new way.

I can look the world and everyone in it straight in the eye and say, IT IS WHAT IT IS. WE ARE WHO WE ARE. WE BELIEVE WHAT WE CHOOSE TO BELIEVE.

But, that doesn't mean you have permission to crush me. You do not have permission to take my soul. You do not have have my personal permission to hurt my children or me, or take up any more precious time in our lives with your hostility or anger.

I am not angry. I'm not bitter. In fact, if anything, I'm more peaceful than I have ever been.

I know exactly why.

I AM WHO I AM. THINGS ARE WHAT THEY ARE. I BELIEVE WHAT I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE.

Now, come on. Let's get on with it. I'm here, ready for you, LET'S DANCE.

Hopefully, one day down the road, the realities of numerous people will be closer to the same vision. I accept that at this time they are not. And that's okay.

But, never mistake in me that I am weak because I have chosen to be a peacemaker. Never mistake in me that I am wrong because I see the world in a different way than you would have me see it.

This is your Reality Check. Take a good look and let's get on with it.

Words From a Loving Parent

Don't give up It's just the weight of the world
When you're heart's heavy I will lift it for you

Don't give up Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood I CAN HEAR YOU

Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because YOU ARE LOVED

-- Josh Groban song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G8IfjPAII

(picture by Greg Olsen, one of the finest artists I have ever seen...)

My precious, cherished child--

I watch you as you lay sleeping... Once an infant I held in my arms and rocked through the night. I remember sometimes feeling helpless to fix the pain of teething or the distress of the stomach flu. But, still I rocked you, sang to you, comforted you. And somehow, back then, it was enough.

I remember the nights when you had bad dreams. Those nights when I heard "Mama!" shouted from the other room. I always came running to comfort you, carry you to the rocking chair, sometimes turn on a Disney video to chase those scary monsters and witches out of your still sleepy mind. We would hum along with the happy music, watch the colors on the screen, and soon enough, you would relax into my arms, your breathing would slow, and sleep would once again return to you.

On those nights, sleep rarely returned to me. My heart was so full of love for you and your pain or fear, that even though you were now resting peacefully, I could not. The power of the love of a parent is not enough to protect and save you from all the hurts and pains and fears that were in your life then and the new ones that replace them now.

Tonight, once again, you are peacefully sleeping, but I am not. I can hear your breathing (all three of you actually-- each peacefully sleeping in different rooms). I have checked and re-checked on all of you, tucking you in again and again. No matter that you are now 18, 15 and 13. You are my babies and for a very short time, during this particular time in all of our lives, you are in my safe keeping.

There are times when you are here, on these every other weekend "visits", when I sleep very peacefully as well, knowing you are here, with me, and any nightmare or sad thought can be talked through and comforted away, even though you are growing up so quickly...

The majority of the nights, when you are away from me, I sleep fitfully, if at all. I worry that you are having sad thoughts or worries or nightmares and you can't call for me then. I have yet to discover a sleep aid that will cure those lonely, worry filled nights for me. I just get through them, missing you and praying hours on end that you are okay and that there is happiness where you are.

On those long, lonely nights, I turn to our Heavenly Parent. I know He is the Father of us all and watches over us and sees, feels and hears each thought of our hearts. I know He is all too aware when we are lonely, or happy. Those times when we are homesick or feeling lost. I know He rejoices over the accomplishments we think no one sees but us. I know He sees and He's so happy along with us.

I also know that He feels each pain, no matter how deep we try to keep it hidden from everyone else. He knows each heartache, and is there to help. He knows when we feel like we have made so many mistakes there's no possible way to turn our lives around. Those moments when we take two steps forward and three or four steps back.

I know that WE ARE LOVED. Just as I look at my precious babies this night and love them so completely and fully that my heart can hardly contain it. My tears over the pains of my children must be so small compared to the tears that my loving Father weeps for me and my pains.

Having children allows us the opportunity to better understand the eternal nature of things. To understand that our parents love us, their parents loved them, we love our children, and they will love theirs. That life is an eternal round, of parents loving children, children moving on to have their own and love them as well.

It's also an opportunity, if we will open our hearts to feel it, to know that we are, and always have been, precious, cherished children of a loving God.

It has been a thorn-filled journey for me, this life of parenthood without a companion to share it with. It is not the life I would have chosen for myself, nor was it the life I set out to have. But, it has also been an opportunity to truly turn these lonely and inadequate feelings over to my Father. To trust in Him as my guide and companion as I feebly attempt to give all that is in me to loving my children alone.

As I have made my weak and simple attempts to reach to Him for help and guidance, even when I myself am so far from perfect, He has always been here with me. I have felt His Presence, His Help, His Peace.

You and I are His precious, beloved children, just as we love ours. He understands that we are imperfect and weak, just as we understand that our children are imperfect and weak. When I realize how patient I am with my sweet babies, as they are learning and growing up, figuring things out as they go along, it occurs to me that My Father is so much more so with me.

He truly understands that I am imperfect and weak. He understands that I do my best every day, and many days I fall short of all that I can be. But, I keep getting up and trying again. I could ask no more of my children, on any given day, at any given time.

Through it all, I realize that I AM LOVED. I AM PRECIOUS. I AM CHERISHED, JUST FOR WHO I AM, EXACTLY WHERE I AM TODAY.


Yes, I will continue to improve. But, I don't feel it's a requirement from my Father. He loves me today, warts and all. He loves me so completely that it's a concept I can't begin to comprehend, yet I know it's true. I know this because I feel the same for my children. I have always loved them how they are and for who they are, whether they ever make any great strides towards some outward greatness.

I know their hearts and they are precious.

He knows my heart and I am precious.

My sweet friends,

YOU ARE PRECIOUS.


YOU ARE LOVED.


YOU ARE ENOUGH, TODAY.


No person, or power, or opinion of any other person on this planet will ever make that not be true.

Ever.

Just as my love reaches for my children tonight, you my friends, are also precious to me, and I hope it has reached in some way to you.

Rest easy, my friends...

YOU ARE LOVED.

Dive In!

The fact is, that to do anything in the world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through as well as we can.

-- Robert Cushing

Why is it that anything really worth doing manages to somehow be TERRIFYING??? Why is that?

To make Big Changes, to Improve our Lives, to Face The Demons, why is it that the really GOOD THINGS that can be accomplished cause us to be so fearful?

I may be speaking only for myself here, of course. Well, yes, I'll admit I am. It's my blog after all. I have noticed in talking to friends and family members lately, that to move forward somehow, to leave unhealthy things behind, we need to have a "good reason", like maybe a New Year's Resolution Moment (which we instantly break) or something tragic has to happen to get us really thinking about our own lives and what we have accomplished.

Why am I writing about this today? Well, tomorrow would be my Dad's Birthday. I know, I have crazy dates and times in my mind that make me think about these things. New Year's Resolutions aren't something I really consider. But, I think about resolutions when it's my birthday, or one of my kids' birthdays, or a holiday, or even my former wedding anniversary. Those are the days that I look back and really reflect on the past years and wonder where I have gotten so far and how far there still is yet to go... And if and how I'm going to get there.

So, in thinking about my Dad (always Daddy to me), I have been reflecting on his life and all he accomplished. I'm also thinking about how much he thought he DIDN'T ACCOMPLISH. My Dad spent the majority of his life fighting a broken body, but he never had a broken spirit. Through a series of major health issues, he was forced to retire at the age of 40. Younger than me.

He was the most upbeat, giving individual I have ever known. He was the most caring, kind, generous person anyone has probably ever known. And he was FUNNY. SERIOUSLY FUNNY.

He had a rock solid sense of humor about life, but especially about the ironies of life. He could laugh about it all, both good and bad. I called him every day, for most of my adult life until he died in August of '08. I guarantee you, on most of those days, my Dad was feeling physically miserable. But, he never let on he was, or if he did he just kind of laughed it off. Often I would call to try to cheer him up or be encouraging and always hung up feeling uplifted and laughing and have a great day after hearing his voice and his amazing laughter. My Dad had numerous laughs, as anyone who remembers him knows. My brother Dave can imitate most of them perfectly.

The hardest thing about my Dad's passing is not being able to talk to him every day. Many, many days I have really needed to run something by him and realize that the next conversation will have to wait for a much longer time than I'd like. But, I do know that many conversations will come again someday.

As usual, I digress.

2010 is guaranteed to be a year of Big Changes for me, one way or the other. Some I have full intention of fulfilling on my own, while others are just flying at me already, like it or not. Of course, that's just like every other year, when you think about it. I plan some things, they work out or veer off in some unknown direction and I follow along or reign it in. Then, there's those things you weren't prepared for, didn't expect, some great, some horrible, and you face them. Go into Survival Mode and get through it.

Most years, I start the year excited for the new changes I have planned and then am thrown some curve balls that I deal with as they come at me. This year is unusual in that the year has started and some unexpected curve balls from 2009 are finally going to be worked out. But, not without a lot of stress and fear on my part, and my childrens' as well. These are not the type of stressors I prefer, of course. I can take a lot of heat upon myself, but I don't like when things start crashing in on my kids.

I like to think of myself as some type of Mommy Force Field that can protect my children from all the negative, painful, evil things in this world. But, of course, I hate to admit, I can't. Try as I might. And believe me, I TRY.

So, just as these challenges are coming my way and I need to dive in, face them head on and get through them, so do my sweet angel children. To try to protect my babies from every painful thing doesn't really protect them at all, unless of course it's a bullet or I need to run through fire to get to them, which I will do until the day the bullet or fire prevents me from protecting them anymore.

Just as my sweet Dad and my Mom still do for me. And I know they will until their last breath.

Trying to shield our kids from the tough things in life doesn't wind up protecting them really, it just makes them weak when they need to face their Own Demons. So, we can walk beside them, hold their hand, give them encouragement, but in the end, pray we have given them enough strength to Slay their Own Dragons. That's the largest accomplishment you can achieve as a parent.

Do you remember that song we used to sing in kindergarten about the Bear Hunt?

Can't go over it...
Can't go under it...
Can't go around it...

Gotta go through it!

That's how this life is. Every good or bad thing that comes our way, we just gotta go through it. We have to dive in, not just stick in a toe and wait until we get used to the cold water... We gotta walk across that bed of hot coals or through the broken glass whether we want to or not.

At some point, we will come out on the other end, sometimes battered, sometimes bruised, but never, ever broken.

I will face My Demons head on this year. I am already getting battered and bruised fighting them.

These challenges of mine can give it their best shot but, my spirit will not be broken. Ever.

Just like Dad.

Hold on Tight While You Let Go

"Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit."

M. Scott Peck

So, I got through Christmas 2009. In fact, I got through the entire first decade of this new millennium. Each year shows so much change (and hopefully growth) and new challenges and blessings. But, I'm discovering something. Certain problems rear their ugly heads over and over, no matter how much I think I have overcome them or sidestepped them, or whatever. The truth is, you deal with it, completely deal with it, or it will just keep on coming back.

So, my goal is to grab the bull by the horns and just face some very difficult stuff this coming year. Or, LET IT GO. It's funny really. Sometimes I think I actually have let something go, only to discover it continues to upset me later on. Hence, not dealt with, or actually let go.

Today is December 26th, 2009. The day after Christmas. There should be a special title for this day. You know, we have Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve, New Years Day, we should have a day named for this after Christmas Day. I guess we could just call it After Christmas Day. That works. Or Huge Letdown Day.

I had a great Christmas with my kids. But, Christmas with your kids when you're divorced tends to bring all of those Ghosts of Christmas's Past out to haunt you. I was surprised when I was checking out the latest of my friends on Facebook on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and so many of us, divorced or not, felt this elation and sadness at the same time. It's like we're supposed to be hysterically happy when we're actually feeling kind of melancholy. Then, we feel like something is horribly wrong because we're kind of sad when we should be so incredibly happy. Why is that?

I thought maybe it was just me. Thinking, "Here I have my children with me this year to spend Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning with! I didn't have that last year! I should be giddy with happiness... So, why do I feel kind of depressed anyway?"

Ghosts of Christmas's, and Other Days Past. Not dealt with or let go.

We can't get into adulthood without carrying some baggage with us, despite how perfect our life has gone thus far. We all have our demons, we all have our secret pains and private fears.

But, we have the power to overcome anything. ANYTHING. We always have a choice to DEAL WITH IT, then LET GO. It's incredibly empowering to face those demons, acknowledge the secret pains, and plow through the private fears.

To decide to meet them face to face, say,

Hello, Demons. Yes, I see you. Yes, I know you're there. I'm not squeezing my eyes shut and not daring look under the bed or in the closet anymore for fear of seeing you. Let's just sit down here and have a little chat. Could I offer you a cold drink? I realize I have given you a lot of power to haunt me and hiding from you has given you even more power.

But, this hiding business and avoiding you is wearing me out. It's keeping me from moving forward to greater things I can accomplish. So, I appreciate what you have taught me about pain, fear, and denial, but I'm ready to move on. I have new challenges ahead of me and you are getting in my way of conquering them with a new confidence in myself and my abilities to face them in a new, positive way.

So, we're done here. I wish you well as you go on to haunt other people. You do great work. You have haunted me for years. But, not anymore. So, move on. I choose to move on from you. I'm letting you go do whatever you Demons like to do. Just not with me. Good luck with that.

As I let go of those demons, there are things I need to hold tight to. Things that are the positive results of those challenges. Like the fact that I have lived through them without having to check myself into a psychiatric unit. Trust me, that has not been an easy task at times. I have discovered that I actually have willpower to keep myself sane when it's almost impossible.

I have discovered that there can be joy in the journey, despite the pain that is also constantly present. Joy in my children's laughter, joy in driving endless miles with my kids in the car, singing along to our old tape from Disneyland. Watching Harry Potter with my boys after school. Singing in The Messiah at Christmas. Making dinner and watching my kids immediately devour it. Hearing my daughter say, "I love you, Mama. Good night." Observing my daughter take pride in her first real job and being amazed at her ability to save her money to reach important goals for herself. Watching my son reach milestones, like learning how to shave, and going to his first school dance. These are things with Alex, my sweet boy with autism, that I never dreamed I'd see in his lifetime. Seeing Christopher take on junior high with a passion, enjoying having friends who care for him and watch his back for those who wouldn't be so nice.

Discovering that Inner Peace, regardless of the anxiety and distress that exist is truly possible when you share those worries with loving family members, good friends, and most importantly, God. I have also discovered that helping those you love carry their burdens is an enormous blessing.

Peace is possible. No matter what. And that is something that I won't let go, as I bid farewell to the Ghosts and Demons of the Past.

I will hold tight to the light, joy, and peace that is in this world and in my own soul.

My prayer for you, my dear friends, is that you will hold on tight to your peace, joy, and light while you let go of your own demons this year.

IT'S TIME.

Thanksgiving

"Every area of trouble gives out a ray of hope; and the one unchangeable certainty is that nothing is certain or unchangeable." John F. Kennedy

I am a quote hunter. I love finding quotes that inspire me to think, which tends to inspire me to write. Plus, I'm not going to lie-- JFK is one handsome devil. Seriously. He's a beautiful man, regardless of your political leanings.

It's almost Thanksgiving. My life has taken such crazy turns over the past couple of months that I'm astounded that I'm still standing up straight and not in an actual straight-jacket somewhere. For this reason alone, I'm incredibly thankful. I'm not going to list all the crazy making that has gone on, but I will suffice it to say, this weekend I'm moving to a town 25 miles south to live closer to my amazing brothers and mom, I start a new job in another week after 7 stressful months of unemployment, and I continue to discover who my true friends are through all of this.

Growing up, before we could dive into all of the Thanksgiving Delights laid before us on the table, My Sweet Mom wanted us to say what we were thankful for. Or as we referred to it "The Thankful Game Before We Eat". We, of course, being the deeply serious children we were (NOT) could not appreciate the sentiment My Sweet Mom took at hearing what she hoped would be very profound thoughts out of her darlings' heads. Typically, she got us all groaning and saying stupid stuff like, "Turkey! I'm thankful for Turkey! Let's eat!!!!" Poor Sweet Mom. She really tried with us.

Well, this year, as with each year that passes, I become more clear on all that I have to be thankful for. So as to save my Poor Sweet Brothers my many thoughts on this when they're waiting for turkey on Thursday, I thought I'd lay out some bullet points here on your Friendly Neighborhood Blog.

• My Kids. They are wonderful, amazing, unusual, funny, tender, innocent, and all around glorious to me.
• Being their Mommy. It is my greatest joy and blessing in life.
• Loyal Family. Loyalty isn't a strong enough word to describe them. They have stood by me through it all, and I know that they will forever. They won't let me drown in anxiety, go hungry, become homeless, or ever feel alone. They have known me all my life and still like me. They deserve sainthood, every one of them.
• My sisters-in-law. I spent the first 32 years of my life waiting for a sister and finally got 4 amazing women to be my greatest friends, along with their husbands, who are my amazing brothers. Michelle, Leslie, Jessie and Diane-- I love you.
• Parents who "laughed their way through raising me". My Sweet Mom actually described it to me in those words today. They literally laughed their way through raising each of us, and we grew up knowing we were loved, but more importantly liked.
  
• Parents who have been my greatest friends, my personal cheer squad in all things, and ready at any and all times to protect me from anyone and everyone who might break my heart.
  
• Facebook, believe it or not. I have rediscovered old friends who have given me a support system in moments when I felt isolated. I have laughed and cried at their joys and sorrows. I have reconnected with my old self through them.
• Reconnecting with my spirituality. Remembering that the only One who can truly understand every sorrow and worry is always there, always listening, always ready with a heavenly embrace.
  
• Clarity. This year has brought a great deal in so many aspects of my life, mostly through the painful experiences, so....
• The Challenges of this Past Year. I didn't see any of them coming.We never do. But, getting through them, day by day, sometimes only hour by hour, has made me a stronger, better woman.
  
• The good women who have mentored me in the People Helping People program. I plan to someday pay it forward.

• Hope. Knowing that each day, each emotional battle being fought is bringing me closer to a result I have dreamed of.
  
• Knowing that the only "unchangeable certainty is nothing is certain or unchangeable."

I am living proof. There is always help and always hope.

In closing, I want to quote the entire Serenity Prayer. We are all familiar with it, as it is the theme for AA and has become well known. I'm not an alcoholic. I don't even drink actually, but I appreciate the sentiment of this prayer and wanted to share.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Happy Thanksgiving. -- Laurie

Life, Autumn 2009

"We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world."

-- Helen Keller

I haven't written in a few months. Basically, I celebrated Mother's Day, then I "enjoyed" my summer. And what a summer it was. Now that it's autumn, I can finally look back on it all and just be grateful for the good that was had and more grateful for the bad I got through. I won't go into huge detail about that, but I will say, I spent Memorial Day at my Dad's grave for the first time, Father's Day without my dad for the first time, July 4th without my kids, my children got to see their dad remarry, and then before I knew it *KABOOM* school was back in and I saw my youngest start jr. high, my 2nd oldest start high school, and my oldest looking for her first job and tasting her experience with young adulthood. Definitely a whirlwind, to say the least!

I also got to start in a mentoring program sponsored here in Salt Lake City called People Helping People which was created for divorced moms, like myself, who need help figuring out the whole corporate structure and where I may fit into it. What an amazing program! It has turned my eyes outward to all there is to see and accomplish yet in my life and turned my mind inside out from where it was a few months ago. I have been encouraged, instructed, and motivated to take my life to a different place from where it has been for many years. It has been incredibly good for my soul.

I started, and finished, the summer unemployed, which was terrifying. But, also a great opportunity to be with my boys all day on their days off. We didn't "do much", but instead we just hung out a lot. It was great that their favorite thing to do was still have Library Day With Mom and hit McDonald's afterward. I was feeling bad that I couldn't take them to Disneyland or do something really thrilling, when I discovered kids aren't that complicated really. Your time means the most. So, I guess we had the Ultimate Staycation, hitting the Salt Lake County Library at least once a week.

On facebook, I continue to reconnect with old friends. Elementary school, jr. high, high school (in two states) and two colleges. Plus, old neighbors from here and there and all over the place. One of my favorite reconnects was having my friend Kim come stay with me for a couple of days. She lives in Seattle, I live in Salt Lake City. But, she was passing through, and we hadn't had girl hang out time in nearly 15 years. She showed up, the years melted away, we laughed, we cried, I hated to see her go. What was the most amazing was that, in all that time, we had so many common experiences. To be able to share, and realize that NO, we weren't the crazy, bad people we sometimes thought we were for having gone through them, was an enormous blessing, and relief, to me.

I dated a lot. Yes, it's true. I hope no one just passed out from reading that. I'm single. It happens. Discovered you can still feel young and sexy when you're 42. That has been good to realize.

There are blessings all around, even when life is challenging. Life is just going to keep changing, one way or the other. We can like it, hate it, ignore it, deny it. But, it's still going to keep swirling and changing. Wanted to finish this up with something I recently read. Hope you can take something from it, as I have...

Ten Rules for Being Human

-- Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.

I have to re-read that on occasion to recognize exactly what is happening HERE, when I've got my eyes set BACK THERE, or UP AHEAD. The here and now is what is the most vital. I can't turn around and re-set time, even if I wanted to. I don't actually possess that superpower just yet. I can't do much about future issues, except spend right now preparing myself so that I will be able to handle whatever may come.

To prepare myself, I live the best I can, every day, and forgive myself for being an idiot, which I often am, and forgiving others for when they are as well. I work hard to let go of bitterness for others and myself. No one is served well by my being bitter over what could have gone better, as I would picture it.

I just have to believe that things happen for a reason, and even if it's a lousy reason, there are still lessons to be learned. And as long as I'm breathing, I will keep trying to learn them.

Keep your eyes and hearts open. Your lessons are there to be had too. And I'm cheering for you.

Mom's Special Day

"If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much." -- Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis



We’re all connected in life through mothers. Good or bad, we all have one. Some of us are lucky enough to get to become one ourselves. There’s no experience in my life as profound as that of being a mother. It has changed me in every possible way.

We could start with the obvious—PHYSICALLY. I will never, ever look good in a bikini again without some serious plastic surgery intervention. My left hip is messed up from having a kid permanently being carried there for about ten years. My right hip is messed up from having to lie on that side for the last six months of all three pregnancies while on bed-rest during preterm labor. The skin on my stomach was stretched to epic proportions during said three pregnancies. Just like a balloon that was filled too full with air, that never can go back to its teeny, tiny state. I have the stretch marks/war wounds to prove it.

I know women who go back to that teeny, tiny state. I hate them. (If you are one of them, I HATE YOU. Seriously.)

Emotionally and spiritually, I have permanently changed as well. Just like my poor, overstretched body, my heart and spirit will never again be able to shrink back to who I used to be. I was a selfish, silly girl in my teens and early 20’s. I couldn’t see far beyond what was mattering to me at any given moment. Sure, I cared about the world in general. I didn’t like the idea of war. I loved my parents and brothers as much as a daughter and sister could back then. I cared about my friends. I wasn’t crazy about pollution.

From the moment I discovered I had Jessica growing under my heart, I changed forever. Suddenly, everything in my universe was viewed first in its potential to harm her. I remember right after the blue “+” showed up on the EPT pregnancy test, I instinctively folded my arms over my belly to guard her. That became something that I did automatically forever after that.

My children are now 17, 15 and 12. Still, everything that happens in my life is viewed in its potential first, for harming them. If it’s even possible, it’s pretty easy for me to rule it out. One of the hardest things has been knowing there are things I can’t protect them from. No matter how good a Mom I am, I haven’t been able to be on the playground during every recess when some creepy kid decided my kid had something worth making fun of. Hopefully, none of my kids were that creepy kid for one of your kids. (If they were, please let me know. I WILL KILL THEM.)

It’s easier as a parent to hold your children when they have the sniffles or a broken arm than it is to try to figure out how to mend their broken hearts. When Alex was around two, he was sitting in his car seat while we drove along a road in Idaho on vacation. We were heading back to a cabin after a day at Redfish Lake. He started fussing, then screaming, I thought, because he wanted out of his carseat. This wasn’t something new. He hated being in a carseat. So, I did the typical Mom thing. I said, “I know, honey. You hate that stupid carseat. Hang in there. We’ll be at the cabin soon.” But, he wouldn’t stop screaming.

Finally, we pulled over and I went to get him out and give him a break from the dreaded harness. As I pulled him out, a huge bee flew out of the back of the carseat. My heart dropped through the ground. He had a massive welt on his bare back. (It still makes me sick thinking about it now and he’s 15.) Of course, we got back to the cabin, did all the right medical things, but I couldn’t get over the look he gave me when he thought I had ignored his distress. It still haunts me.

This experience, of hurting more or having more joy for the ones you love than for yourself, changes your heart forever. Watching my daughter fearlessly stand up to sing in front of her high school thrills me more than it ever felt when I stood up in front of my high school to sing. In fact, it’s more thrilling to watch her sing with her entire choir than it felt when I stood alone in front of thousands of people and sang myself. Feeling your heart swell like that, it’s almost physically painful.

My boys haven’t been athletes or Boy Scouts. None of my kids have been straight A students, although I think they’re all brilliant. I don’t have a “My kid is on the honor roll” bumper sticker on my car. In fact, I have thought of getting one of those “My kid could kick your honor roll kid’s ass” bumper stickers for my van. (No reason. I just think they’re funny. Actually, I’m guessing Chris could. But, I digress.)

The prayers I have prayed on behalf of my children are more heart-felt and desperate than they have ever been for me, in my worst of circumstances. Whether it’s a bad stomach ache or heartache for one of my babies, I can hardly bear to see them hurt in any way. Knowing that I contributed somehow to their struggles since our divorce nearly kills me some nights when I’m trying to find elusive sleep. The only thing that keeps me sane in those moments is knowing that they were loved more and better than I ever could long before they grew under my heart. The faith I have in my loving Father in Heaven saves me during those moments.

My spirit has been stretched to its limits mothering these three precious ones. I think that’s the way it’s supposed to be. How could we ever start to comprehend the love of our God and His desire for our happiness without our hearts being pulled in this way? Realizing these priceless ones were precious to Him before me and will be long after give me my greatest hope. Knowing this is true helps me realize that I’m His precious child as well. I was long before my parents loved me and will be long after.

When I struggle, I know my sweet Mom is praying for me. I can only start to understand how much she loves me because of how much I love my sweet ones. Personally, I don’t think I’m worthy of the love and belief she has in me. But, Mothers are a special breed. They believe in us for reasons known only in the depth of their hearts. The Circle of Life is the blessing that makes this all make sort of sense eventually.

This little blog isn’t much in the great scheme of things. My life isn’t much in the history of the universe. I don’t write thinking that it’s going to change anyone or leave some great imprint that I lived. These things I know, however.

MOTHERS MATTER.

MOTHERS CHANGE THE WORLD EVERY SINGLE HOUR OF EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I believe if we mothers of this world do our job right, the world will go right. The day mothers stop trying, the world will go to pieces. I am confident the world will never completely fall apart because there are mothers out there that will never stop loving and encouraging their children.

As a special note to my own Mom—I love you, Tamara Wagner Mohlman. You bless me every single day because you exist and love and believe in me. I know I will succeed because you truly believe I will. I can never fully give up because you won’t give up on me. Ever.

I feel especially blessed this Mother’s Day because you are still on this planet with me. I’m only too aware that this won’t always be the case, so every day we are still here together I’m incredibly grateful.

Happy Mother’s Day. Times 5 kids, 17 grandkids, one dogger, and 3 grand-doggers. Your life will continue to provide ripples of greatness long after you have lived and breathed. Your influence can never possibly end because you love us all so dearly.

Enjoy your special day, Moms. Your seemingly thankless work is changing the world.

One child at a time.

It Must Be Monday

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over a year is actually a very bored 14 year old boy.

Today, I was with my kids. We saw a tiny little bug and they started freaking out. Trying to show them that bugs are not scary, I picked it up. It bit me and now I have to go to the doctor because my hand is the size of a balloon.

Today, it was my boyfriend's 21st birthday. Along with a pair of $80 shoes, I bought him a birthday cake, his favorite ice cream and a $15 balloon. I showed up to the party and he was very intoxicated. So intoxicated that he pops the balloon, drops the cake, and throws up all over his new shoes.

Today, I walked into a restaurant with my parents to celebrate my Mom's birthday. They immediately got a kid's menu and crayons out for me. I'm 15.

Today, I went to the dentist. After drilling my teeth for what seemed like hours, he gave me a long speech about how if I continue to smoke, the yellowing of my teeth won't be the only problem. I don't smoke. I never have. FML

-- www.fmylife.com

My daughter and I were sitting together last night in the living room, catching up on the overextended Tivo. She was checking her email when she announced, "Mom! I have found a new website that I guarantee will start being YOUR FAVORITE site!!" What could it be, I thought? A new site on the stresses of single mothers? A new job site for me to crank out more resumes? A site that will make keeping my house spotless an actual possibility? NOOOOO.

The new, my soon to be "favorite" site is called : www.fmylife.com. Yes, as in F my life dot com. (Yes, the F stands for exactly what you think it does.) Someone got it in their head that there should be a place for everyone to have the opportunity to spell out why their life is completely screwed up. It's completely hilarious. And, yes, I think it may very well be my new all time favorite web site. Here's why.

I'm not laughing at the horrible things that can happen in an individual's day. (Well, okay, I just very well might be, I'm not going to lie...) It's more of an "I'd rather laugh about it than cry about it" thing that my Dad taught me when I was still a short, fairly happy creature. My dad could take any horrible event in his own life and laugh about it. Just the ridiculous irony of life itself was hilarious to him at any given time of day. I loved this about him. I could go to him with anything, ANYTHING, from getting a lousy grade to having my marriage fall apart, and he'd find a reason that we could laugh. It definitely took the sting out of the general horrible-ness that life can sometimes be.

He also helped me understand that you can ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS find a good reason to complain if you look hard enough. On the flip side, you can always be happy too, no matter what hellish experience you're currently going through. When I get together with my brothers and their families, there's always a lot of laughing going on. All of us struggle. No one's life is perfect. None are even close. But, there's something amazing about getting together, because we can tell our latest horror stories (losing a job, being sick, missing our dad) and we'll basically mock those things to death. We're all fairly sarcastic by nature, but we're also pretty sensitive people. Laughing at stuff is the only way we can move forward in life without getting suicidal or something.

Hearing or reading the horrible events from other people's lives can quickly put our own life back into some type of perspective. My life isn't the biggest event on the planet and neither is yours. We're all here doing the best we can, living day in and day out. We love our families, work hard, and pay our bills. The economy is particularly rough right now, and I lost my job last week. It can be terrifying when I can't see clearly where this month's rent is going to come from, not to mention next month's. Seeing as today is the 4th of the month and I haven't figured it out yet, I'm pretty stressed. But, I have my health. I have my kids. I have friends. I'm nowhere near living the life Job lived. And neither are you.

So, lighten up. Today is a new day. It's finally spring. You have a family who loves you and friends who do too. You have someone in your life to love today. You have a place to live and things to accomplish.

Remember, Life is always worth living as long as we're living. If you're not dead yet, there's still work to be done, hugs to give, and smiles to share. Let's get out there and DO IT. TODAY.

Have a good week, my friends.

Dreams Come True to Alex

I thought it might be interesting to ask Alex what he thought it was like to have autism. How do you explain what is only normal to you? How do any of really understand what is normal to someone else?

Anyway, I told Alex I wanted to write about him today and he gave me his chosen title. I had originally chosen "The World According to Alex", but he wanted to have it called "Dreams Come True to Alex". So, here we go!

Me: Alex, what do you think is different about having autism?

Alex: My brain works different.

Me: How is your brain different from my brain?

Alex: It's just not like yours.

Me: You know how you can think in colors sometimes? Like "red" is "angry"?

Alex: And "green" is "sick!" And also "yellow" is "glad", and "blue" is "sad".

Me: Wow, I didn't know that green was sick. That's a new color for me!

Alex: And "gray" is "scared".

Me: Really??

Alex: Yeah, really.

Me: I have another question for you. Since it's almost Easter, where does the Easter Bunny live?

Alex: In a tree?

Me: Hmmm... It could be a tree.

Alex: Lots of rabbits live under trees.

Me: I'll bet you're right. So, what is the Easter Bunny's job?

Alex: To give us gifts and hide eggs so we can do Easter egg hunting, and also candy hunting too.

Me: Yeah, that's a busy bunny, isn't it?

Alex: Yes siree!

Me: I have another question for you.

Alex: Now what?? [glad that sarcasm hasn't been lost in the genetics!]

Me: What's your favorite movie of the day?

Alex: I don't have a favorite. I like all of them.

Me: What about "The Nightmare Before Christmas"? Don't you love that one?

Alex: That's my favorite HALLOWEEN MOVIE.

Me: Oh, okay. So, what dreams can come true for you, Alex?

Alex: Like going to Disneyland in California, Disney World in Florida, and go on a Disney Cruise.

Me: You love Disney stuff, don't you?

Alex: Yep.

Me: Those are good dreams, Al Pal. What are some bad dreams of yours?

Alex: Like being attacked by a lion, tiger, bear, or attacked by a shark, or being chased by a watchdog, or falling in a videogame and getting a "game over".

Me: Oh. Those are bad dreams. I like the good dreams better. How about you? What do you dream you will be when you are a grown up?

Alex: A superhero. I have four jobs. Superhero, photographer, pizza deliverer, and restaurant worker.

Me: Hmmmm... that sounds like a superhero I know....

Alex: I know, Mom-a-Mom! Spiderman! But, I have a different superhero name, but I still have spider powers. And I have a different spider costume too. But, it looks different. The eyes are red, the gloves are red, and shoes are red, and mask and shirt and trousers are black. And I have a gray spider on my chest and a red spider on my back like Spiderman's, and I have a red mark on my belly like a black widow spider does.

Me: So, what superhero are you going to be?

Alex: Black Widow Spiderman.

Me: Cool. You have been planning on that forever and ever, haven't you?

Alex: Yes. That's who I want to be.

I thought those of you out there who feel like I have a super hard life having two sons with diagnoses that falls upon the autism spectrum should just read for yourself.

I honestly think my life is charmed being able to raise such interesting kids. Next time we will hear from Chris. He has different dreams for himself.

We all have dreams for our lives, no matter where we started. If you want to have something that will make you think the rest of your life, ask your kids what their dreams are...

Make New Friends, But Keep the Old

Make new friends,
but keep the old.
One is silver,
the other is gold.

A circle is round,
it has no end.
That's how long,
I will be your friend.

A fire burns bright,
it warms the heart.
We've been friends,
from the very start.

You have one hand,
I have the other.
Put them together,
We have each other.

Silver is precious,
Gold is too.
I am precious,
and so are you.

You help me,
and I'll help you
and together
we will see it through.

Across the land
Across the sea
Friends forever
We will always be

This song was running through my head today. Not an unusual occurrence by a long shot. Wearing an IPOD all day keeps a constant soundtrack going on, which I love, and it keeps the obnoxious songs that occasionally run through my head away. I mean, if I'm going to have music running through my head all the time, I'd rather choose it than be stuck with a Barney song instead, you know?

Anyway, I was thinking about how friends come and go in my life, kind of like osmosis. You know, one flows in, one flows out. Some are here for awhile, others are here for a lifetime. You never really know how it's going to go. Facebook has been an interesting experience for me. Suddenly there's an internet site that allows you to connect possibly with every person you have ever met in your entire life. Some of those people are very memorable, others not so much. However, I have discovered that I AM MEMORABLE. Wow. Who knew??? Certainly not me!

To date I have been able to reconnect with 342 friends and family members. 342 people! And, seriously, I know every one of them. How crazy is that??? I mean, it never even occurred to me that I had MET that many people in my life, let alone KNEW that many! I find the whole situation kind of astounding and just a little bit unnerving as well.

It seems like with life being the way that it is, things are constantly in flux. Things are always changing. Circumstances, jobs, relationships all are changing, changing, changing... And because of that, more and more people get drawn into my personal circle one way or the other. Currently, I'm in a fast and furious job hunt since my current position has a contract expiration date of 4/16/09. Yes, that's just one week from today. So, I'm job hunting, shooting out resumes, going through interviews and through it all I get the opportunity to meet more people, learn something from them, even if I only know them for a few minutes.

I also am ridiculously hopeful that I may make new guy friends online. I actually, through trial and error, have found a pretty good website for this. Through trial and lots of error, I have also discovered how to pick out the "scary" guys in a fairly short amount of time. I won't tell you about the trial and error of that whole nightmare-- just that it was a LOT OF TRIAL, and a WHOLE LOT OF ERROR.

I have learned (again from trial and error) that there's nothing worse you can do for a potential relationship than to immediately hit it off, get physical, and then, you know, sit back and "see what happens". I'll tell you what "happens": you stop liking each other fairly fast and have to just move on and find someone else to experience the "see what happens" game again.

The good thing about all of this, I suppose, is that I don't have to wait and hope for the best anymore. I have learned that my parents and teachers from church were RIGHT. Man, there's just nothing worse than realizing that, I have to tell you! Mom, you may officially begin GLOATING. READY, SET, GLOAT. Teachers from church, you too. Go ahead. You were right. All of you. I hope you all are receiving some sort of thrill from hearing this from me, after years of putting up with my perfected eyeroll technique and heavy sighing that I used to imply you all did not know what you were talking about. I'm looking forward to the day when I daughter tells me I was right, because I'm mid-eyeroll tolerance with her at this point as well.

The only way to actually have a successful relationship is to start as friends, really get to know a person, and then see where things go. The immediately jump in with both feet method has not been a particularly successful experiment for me. Unfortunately, because I honestly prefer that method. You know, you look into each other's eyes-- it's all new and exciting... You get that POW!POW!POW! in the gut, and well, you just KNOW. Oh yeah, he's IT. We have finally found each other! Life from here on out will be perfectly perfect, in every possible way, because of this amazing MOMENT.

Sorry to burst everyone's dreamy bubble (including my own), but that just doesn't ever work in real life, where I'm stuck living at this point. Friendships beget good relationships, because when you actually take the time to get to know someone before losing your mind completely, you have a better chance of ruling out the losers before the fact, rather than after. I can't tell you how many times I have dove in, thinking, "Oh man! This is THE guy! He's so amazing!", finding some huge amount of romance in the whole deal, only to discover that NO.... He's really not that great, he's not even close to being THE GUY. He's just A GUY. Maybe a great guy at that, but not THE GUY. Nope, never THE GUY.

I was fascinated last night to hear a true story about a couple who met and married within 3-1/2 weeks. Yep, as in about 24 days from meeting to married. Am I the only person who thinks that might be just INSANE???? Okay, I see the potential romantic angle and all, but come on! Don't you think if someone is amazing and incredibly lovable within 3-1/2 weeks that they will still be in 3-1/2 years???? That to me would be plain common sense, but in the world of romantic notions, common sense is not a necessarily welcome guest. Not even to me.

So, I have flown off on a tear apparently today. I guess my final thought would be this... I'm glad, despite the crappy circumstances of the past few years, to have the opportunity to make new friends. Especially guy friends. When I was married, I really missed having my guy friends around. I grew up in a house full of boys. I am crazy about my guy friends.

I love all of you, my sweet guy friends, wherever you may be today. You make my life richer for knowing you. You help make this twisted, weird time of my life bearable because you make me laugh and cure some of the crazy loneliness. You keep me company talking to me on the phone all night while I'm missing my kids and you're missing yours.

Of course, my dearest of guy friends are my four most amazing brothers. Dudes, please know you are loved and nearly worshipped by me. You love my children as your own. You check in to make sure I'm alive, eating and not homeless. You offer to help me however you can, while still being the best husbands and fathers that exist on the planet. I'm so proud of you, Dave, Andy, Jon and Tim.

You give me hope to keep searching for the ellusive perfect guy for me, because of who you are. I'm so blessed to be your sister and your friend. I will never lose hope in men because of you. In fact, there's exactly 0% chance that I will become some sort of man-hater in this lifetime because I have you in my life. I know that men are good, amazing creatures because I have observed and spent my entire life knowing you. And of course, the most perfect of all, our sweet Sexy Rexy, who's busy planning a huge party for all of us. It probably involves loud music, streamers and fondue, if I know Daddy like I think I do. And probably that Christmas Eve game that involved fighting over M&M's and cash.

And you, Mom. You are a friend above and beyond all friends on this earth to your kids, grandkids, and every person who crosses your path. You have taught me the heights and depths of friendship watching the sacrifices you have made to be a friend and keep a friend. Your heart is bottomless. You always have more to give. You always seek how you can lift another's burden, whether that person is family or not. In fact, I have learned from you that FRIENDS ARE FAMILY. Every single one. And there's always always room for one or a hundred more at the table.

Make new friends, but keep the old-- one is silver and the other gold. My prayer this day is that I bring to the table something that lifts the burdens of my sweet friends. I hope I bring laughter and smiles and a safe place to cry if you need to. I hope that I express to you, often, how very precious you are to me and the depth you give my life, which would be horribly challenging without you here.

I hope I hug you often and tell you I love you as much as you need to hear it. I hope you know that as precious as you are to me, you are so much more precious to God. His love is not dependent on how good or bad we are. It doesn't even matter if we choose to believe He exists or love Him back. His love is a gift, and He considers us friends.

I hope someday to be able to love like that. For now, I'll keep practicing.